My Life in F.R.I.E.N.D.S Quotes

So no-one told you life was gonna be this way

*clap clap clap clap*

As anyone who knows me even a little bit will tell you, I am a massive Friends fan. Remember FriendsFest in London last year? I was there with my own group of Friends.

And it was amazing.

So, a common question among Friends fans is “which character are you?”

My answer has always been Chandler with a hint of Ross… but then it got me thinking. I am probably like all the characters in different ways. Then it got me thinking again… would I be able to describe myself, my life and my personality, using only quotes from the best sitcom of the 90s?

Well, here is my life as told by F.R.I.E.N.D.S:

Every time I read an email with a grammatical mistake:

When I get asked to do something on a Sunday:

Sundays are for sleeping, eating, watching films and drinking tea.

See, Chandler gets it:

And when I don’t get invited at all:

Me in any meeting longer than 30 minutes:

Any meeting over 30 minutes should include an unlimited supply of coffee

When my work phone rings at 5:29 on a Friday afternoon:

And then someone answers and says “I’ll just get him for you”:

Every time I see someone wearing camouflage:

This joke will never not be hilarious

Me after one drink:

And then I drink some more:

When I really should go home:

The morning after:

And not long after, the existential crisis kicks in:

Don’t drink, kids.

When I make a cup of tea only to find there’s no milk left:

I accept no blame for this.

That time my lunch disappeared from the office fridge:

Meeting someone for the first time:

How my future wife will probably introduce me to her friends:

Penis jokes are always funny:

When you search Ugly Naked Guy in Google Images to write this post:

Me when F.R.I.E.N.D.S came to an end:

But I’m over it now, can you tell?

And finally, when Chandler summed me up in 6 words:

 

This was fun, we should do it again sometime.

DC

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My Life in F.R.I.E.N.D.S Quotes

Why I Hate Getting My Hair Cut

Today, I looked in the mirror and decided it was time. Time for the change I have been needing for months; a change that everyone who has laid eyes upon my dishevelled mass of duotone hair knows I have been needing for a while.

Yes, it was time for a haircut.

This may not seem like such a big deal. Okay, so you go and sit in a chair for fifteen minutes while some guy with scissors snips a few hairs from your head. Everyone does it. For some people it is an event to look forward to.

(Why!? A stranger washing your hair while you bend awkwardly backwards over a sink, their fingers violating your skull, asking questions you can’t answer in fear of getting a mouthful of soapy water. No thanks.)

Well for me it’s a f*cking nightmare.

Source: pinterest

And I let my fear gradually build. For weeks I’ve been finding the courage to sit in the chair. Eight years ago, I would have been proud of the fringe that caused partial vision. The back of my neck has been cosy during the winter months. But I’m twenty-four and there is no excuse for a messy, unkempt mass of hair. Or is there?

The problem for me is, quite simply, I am going grey. I have been going grey since I was about 16. I still remember that fateful day. Finding a small collection of greys on the side of my head, telling myself it was not real, that yes, my dad went grey young, but that doesn’t mean I will too.

I lied to myself.

So there I was today. A stranger buzzing his clippers over my scalp, asking me if I preferred ‘natural or square’ (FYI, I opted for square), using his fingers to estimate an inch-and-a-half off the top.

“Is that okay?”

How the hell am I meant to know? You’re the bloody hairdresser!

I was too focussed on my lap, shrouded with a black cape highlighting the masses of grey hairs scattered everywhere. And in that moment I knew it was all over.

People tell me to embrace it, accept it, everyone likes a silver fox. Think of George Clooney or Phillip Schofield.

I’m more of a Steve Martin. Remember your weird crush on Steve Martin? Of course you don’t.

Steve Martin discovers Just For Men (source: Film Stills)

Lead me not into temptation but deliver me from the hair dye aisle in Boots.

And so the main problem with haircuts, aside from another person touching my head (which is something I cannot bear), is that with each one I become greyer. It’s more visible.

I’m 24 and I’m at least one third grey.

Soon it’ll spread. I know it will. I am no longer in doubt. First, maybe, it’ll reach my eyebrows. Then, it’ll got to my facial hair, maybe further south to my chest, maybe further south still.

Who am I kidding? Maybe? Definitely.

So I am writing this while I still have more brown hairs than grey. Future Dan will look back at this and think It was a simpler time.

And there we have it. A quarter-life crisis in action. I know I’m still young, but I wish somebody would tell my scalp.

Not that I’m vain.

(Although I did notice ten minutes in that I have a resting double chin, but that’s a whole other issue.)

source: http://www.someecards.com

 

Why I Hate Getting My Hair Cut

No Love, No Good, No Better – A poem written in song titles.

Here is a poem, written using song titles from my iTunes.

Full list of artists below, try seeing how many you can get before looking!

***

Hello, Ho Hey, Say Something

Give Me Love, Stand By Me, Sing

My Girl Livin’ On A Prayer

Baby, Fall, I Know You Care

 

All I Got, it’s Sad But True

I Wish, I Want, Only You.

We Are Young, Larger Than Life

You Ain’t The First, Laserlight

 

Chasing Pavements, Chasing Cars

Stay You, Just The Way You Are.

No Matter What I’m Me, I’m Yours

Feel The Love, Hurt, Human – Flaws.

 

Teenage Dream, Climb On Board

Jizz In My Pants, Rock Me, Roar

Pump Up The Jam, Praise You, Shout

Paradise City, Pass Out

 

Wake Me Up, Grow Old With Me

I Will Wait Tik Tok Happy

Without You I’m Half A Heart

Fly Away Encore Une Fois

 

Goodbye To You, Let It Go

I Knew You Were Trouble, Low

 

Internet Friends Under Pressure

No Love, No Good, and No Better.

 

***

LIST OF ARTISTS:

 

Martin Solveig & Dragonette, The Lumineers, Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Ed Sheeran, Ben. E. King, Travis

The Temptations, Bon Jovi

Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding

 

Newton Faulkner, Metallica

One Direction, One Direction, Ellie Goulding

Fun., Backstreet Boys

Guns n’ Roses, David Guetta feat. Jessie J

 

Adele, Snow Patrol

Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko, Ed Sheeran + Wiley, Bruno Mars

Boyzone, Lil’ Wayne, Jason Mraz

Rudimental, Johnny Cash, The Killers, Bastille

 

Katy Perry, Labrinth

The Lonely Island, One Direction, Katy Perry

Technotronic ft. Felly, Fatboy Slim, Lulu

Guns n’ Roses, Tinie Tempah

 

Avicii, Tom Odell

Mumford & Sons, Ke$ha, Pharell

David Guetta feat. Usher, One Direction,

Lenny Kravitz, Sash!

 

Ed Sheeran + Dot Rotten, Idina Menzel (Frozen OST)

Taylor Swift, Flo Rida

Knife Party, Queen

Eminem feat. Lil’ Wayne, The Prodigy, Lorde

 

(I just wrote what I had on my iTunes so if I’ve missed any featured artists or have listed a cover version well, stop being pedantic.)

No Love, No Good, No Better – A poem written in song titles.

Hangover.

The room’s in a spin,
My memory’s a blur,
I went out last night,
But what did occur?

The first drink I had
Was a bottle of lager,
Then we played Ring of Fire
To begin our drunk saga.

A shot of tequila
With lemon and salt,
Moved on to white wine,
Liver under assault.

Disaronno and coke,
A quick cigarette,
Before downing a pint
Of what, I forget.

Welcomed to the club
By a jug of cocktail,
A Sambuca shot
Caused my vision to fail.

I was handed a drink
Which was luminous blue,
With a hint of regret
I ran to the loo.

Then back to the bar
For some quick Aftershocks,
Jäger bombs and a Sourz
To knock off our socks.

Here, my memory fails
But I know I drank more,
Bruises all down my side,
Must’ve dropped to the floor.

I woke up in my bed,
That’s always a relief,
Pneumatic drill in my head,
Beer residue on my teeth.

How much did I drink?
I have no idea.
When I check my bank balance
I’ll be shaking with fear.

But a night out is worth
All this pain and the debt,
Because I’m only young once
And I’ll have no regrets.

Hangover.