My Life in F.R.I.E.N.D.S Quotes

So no-one told you life was gonna be this way

*clap clap clap clap*

As anyone who knows me even a little bit will tell you, I am a massive Friends fan. Remember FriendsFest in London last year? I was there with my own group of Friends.

And it was amazing.

So, a common question among Friends fans is “which character are you?”

My answer has always been Chandler with a hint of Ross… but then it got me thinking. I am probably like all the characters in different ways. Then it got me thinking again… would I be able to describe myself, my life and my personality, using only quotes from the best sitcom of the 90s?

Well, here is my life as told by F.R.I.E.N.D.S:

Every time I read an email with a grammatical mistake:

When I get asked to do something on a Sunday:

Sundays are for sleeping, eating, watching films and drinking tea.

See, Chandler gets it:

And when I don’t get invited at all:

Me in any meeting longer than 30 minutes:

Any meeting over 30 minutes should include an unlimited supply of coffee

When my work phone rings at 5:29 on a Friday afternoon:

And then someone answers and says “I’ll just get him for you”:

Every time I see someone wearing camouflage:

This joke will never not be hilarious

Me after one drink:

And then I drink some more:

When I really should go home:

The morning after:

And not long after, the existential crisis kicks in:

Don’t drink, kids.

When I make a cup of tea only to find there’s no milk left:

I accept no blame for this.

That time my lunch disappeared from the office fridge:

Meeting someone for the first time:

How my future wife will probably introduce me to her friends:

Penis jokes are always funny:

When you search Ugly Naked Guy in Google Images to write this post:

Me when F.R.I.E.N.D.S came to an end:

But I’m over it now, can you tell?

And finally, when Chandler summed me up in 6 words:

 

This was fun, we should do it again sometime.

DC

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My Life in F.R.I.E.N.D.S Quotes

Like a Pop Song in my Head

I hope that guy who sang Cheerleader ends his singing career now. I mean, he’s done his job. A big, summer tune with meaningless lyrics that manifests itself within all our brains and repeats on a loop.

It’s a thought that entered my mind when I was in Islington on Sunday afternoon in a small bookshop, the melody of said Cheerleader ringing through the street, played on panpipes and tin drums.

There’s nothing wrong with a catchy pop song, but it has to be good. And definitely not played on panpipes and tin drums.

source: comicvine.com
source: comicvine.com

My problem is that I constantly have a song stuck in my skull, reverberating around my head, occasionally pouring out of my mouth without me realising. Sporadic singing is an unfortunate habit of mine. And it’s not so much a problem for me as it for those around me.

I mean, sometimes it is impossible to have a conversation with me because I will connect your words to lyrics and start warbling at you.

Friend: “I’m leaving.”

Me: “On a jet plane, don’t know when… Sorry.”

Friend: “Question,”

Me: “Tell me what you think about me… Sorry.”

Friend: “No-one told me!”

Me: “Life was gonna be this way *clap clap clap clap*”

Girlfriend: “Kiss me…”

Me: “UNDER THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND STARS!”

Not to mention that everything is horrendously out-of-tune. I just can’t help it. It’s a disease – Lyricitis. And I’m not the only sufferer.

Because it’s contagious. I guarantee, you start hanging around with me on a regular basis, you will also start randomly bursting into song. Shout out to my ex-colleague who joined me in a rendition of Jolene every time we saw the name Maureen (which was more often than you might think).

source: pinterest
source: pinterest

I’m not a musical person, but my life distinctly revolves around music. There’s a song for every moment, person, memory and idea.

When I need motivation, my one solution when writing or working, is to be in near-silence so I can concentrate properly. But if I have to get in a certain ‘zone’, music is a great help. If I’m in a good mood and have to write about something sad, I use certain songs to evoke sadness. Vice versa. When I write about a character being angry, My Chemical Romance are ideal for bringing out all my repressed teenage angst.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter what your views on certain genres, artists or songs are – music will have played a major part in your life at some point, and it will continue to do so: Nursery rhymes helped you to sleep once upon a time, hymns were sung in school assemblies (is this still a thing?), Christmas carols and songs induce Christmas spirit and festivity, one song will always be remembered as your first dance at your wedding… Even funerals are heavily focused around music.

source: pinterest
source: pinterest

Everyone has a soundtrack to their life.

For me, it is any song catchy enough for my mind to remember some of the melody, at least three words, and not written or performed by Coldplay.

What’s yours?

Dan x.

Like a Pop Song in my Head

No Love, No Good, No Better – A poem written in song titles.

Here is a poem, written using song titles from my iTunes.

Full list of artists below, try seeing how many you can get before looking!

***

Hello, Ho Hey, Say Something

Give Me Love, Stand By Me, Sing

My Girl Livin’ On A Prayer

Baby, Fall, I Know You Care

 

All I Got, it’s Sad But True

I Wish, I Want, Only You.

We Are Young, Larger Than Life

You Ain’t The First, Laserlight

 

Chasing Pavements, Chasing Cars

Stay You, Just The Way You Are.

No Matter What I’m Me, I’m Yours

Feel The Love, Hurt, Human – Flaws.

 

Teenage Dream, Climb On Board

Jizz In My Pants, Rock Me, Roar

Pump Up The Jam, Praise You, Shout

Paradise City, Pass Out

 

Wake Me Up, Grow Old With Me

I Will Wait Tik Tok Happy

Without You I’m Half A Heart

Fly Away Encore Une Fois

 

Goodbye To You, Let It Go

I Knew You Were Trouble, Low

 

Internet Friends Under Pressure

No Love, No Good, and No Better.

 

***

LIST OF ARTISTS:

 

Martin Solveig & Dragonette, The Lumineers, Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Ed Sheeran, Ben. E. King, Travis

The Temptations, Bon Jovi

Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding

 

Newton Faulkner, Metallica

One Direction, One Direction, Ellie Goulding

Fun., Backstreet Boys

Guns n’ Roses, David Guetta feat. Jessie J

 

Adele, Snow Patrol

Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko, Ed Sheeran + Wiley, Bruno Mars

Boyzone, Lil’ Wayne, Jason Mraz

Rudimental, Johnny Cash, The Killers, Bastille

 

Katy Perry, Labrinth

The Lonely Island, One Direction, Katy Perry

Technotronic ft. Felly, Fatboy Slim, Lulu

Guns n’ Roses, Tinie Tempah

 

Avicii, Tom Odell

Mumford & Sons, Ke$ha, Pharell

David Guetta feat. Usher, One Direction,

Lenny Kravitz, Sash!

 

Ed Sheeran + Dot Rotten, Idina Menzel (Frozen OST)

Taylor Swift, Flo Rida

Knife Party, Queen

Eminem feat. Lil’ Wayne, The Prodigy, Lorde

 

(I just wrote what I had on my iTunes so if I’ve missed any featured artists or have listed a cover version well, stop being pedantic.)

No Love, No Good, No Better – A poem written in song titles.

Surprise!

What a day. Work was utter chaos, mainly because I’m surrounded by morons. Not a single person in my office has any common sense and I spend a huge part of every day wondering why I employed them. I’m surprised they even managed to write a CV, never mind making it past the interview stage. To make this Friday even more wonderful, everyone decided to go to the pub and insisted that I go along for a ‘quick half’.  Three pints later and I’m finally home, looking forward to seeing the wife and watching a bit of TV. A relaxing end to a stressful week.

I open the front door, switch the living room light on and have a minor heart attack. The room is full of people shouting ‘Happy birthday!’ flailing their arms excitedly and there’s Jay with a big grin on her face. I realise she thinks she’s done a nice thing for me and so return her smile, my peaceful Friday evening slipping away from my grasp. My ever-so-thoughtful wife gives me a hug and wishes me a happy birthday. I manage a ‘thank you’ through clenched teeth.

Stepping back to evaluate the turnout, I’m surprised that I’m happy to see some people. There’s my sister and her husband, a few cousins who I haven’t seen since last Christmas, the mates that haven’t yet managed to piss me off, and Jay’s best friend who is irritating but easy on the eye. Not too bad. But then amongst these welcome guest, I spot some others. Those people I have on Facebook but can’t bear the sight of. They are all here. In my house. For me. Ridiculous.

The first dickhead I see is Alan. This is the man who haunted my nightmares for three years when I worked in the restaurant. He is nerdy, needy and weedy. The bloke followed me around. He was everywhere. He worked the same shifts as me, had his lunch breaks at the same time as me, and even joined the same gym as me. And then he figured out my routine. I’d work out in the morning and he was there, waiting for me. I’d have a cigarette before going into work, and he was there. He started smoking so he could join me. Obsessed is the word. Why he was here, in my house, I had no idea. Jay can’t have invited him.

But he’s not the worst one. Sitting on an armchair looking like she can smell a bad fart is Jay’s sister. She hates me and I hate her. At our wedding, when the vicar asked if anyone had any objections, she stood up. Jay’s only bridesmaid stood up and squealed, barely able to contain her excitement, ‘I object!’.  Why did she object? Because apparently we had slept with each other behind Jay’s back. Apparently I was in love with her. Apparently I should have been marrying her instead. Thankfully, everyone saw through it and didn’t believe her. She’s a compulsive liar. She lied that she was pregnant once just so a bloke wouldn’t break up with her. Crazy, that’s what she is. Besides, we only slept together once and I was absolutely hammered.

Then I see Charlotte and Kerry. What was Jay thinking when she invited those two imbeciles?! Jay lived with these two through all three years of university which meant I saw them every single day when we started seeing each other. The only word that can really describe them is empty. There’s nothing between their ears except their wide eyes. When I first met them, I thought they were funny. Then I realised that they were just completely stupid. How they got through university I will never know. It is impossible to hold a conversation with them, they barely understand English. I make a mental note to avoid them at all costs and then I see the worst of them all.

Harold fucking Noakes. This time I look at Jay and shake my head. She smiles apologetically and scarpers into the kitchen, hopefully to get me a strong drink. I’m going to need it to get through the night. Harry is every man’s worst nightmare. We met him at our local one night and he seemed like an alright lad. Over time he became a good friend to us both. Then Jay and I had a fight one day and she went to live with her sister for a week or two. I didn’t see Harry for that whole time, but Jay did. He was going over there every day with comforting words and a shoulder for Jay to cry on. I stayed here moping around none the wiser. Then, I see them in our local together one night. The look on his face. I could have wiped that smug grin off his mug and he would never have seen it coming. Then Jay walked over to me. We chatted and decided to go for dinner the next evening to sort things out. That smarmy git’s face dropped like a teenager’s testicles. I only carried on talking to him because Jay insisted that he talked her into getting back with me. But I know he just saw his opportunity to pounce. He didn’t even come to our wedding, not that I wanted him there of course.

Jay comes in and hands me a cold can of lager. I take a few swigs and try to appreciate her good intentions. It’s not every day your wife throws you  surprise birthday party, I suppose. I make my way around the room, thanking people for coming, insisting that I had no idea there would be a party, and pretending to laugh at anecdotes about things I’d rather forget. The majority of guests at my birthday party are those I had hoped never to see again. Maybe the people I actually like are busy, because Jay can’t have just invited this group of idiots.

It gets late and gradually everyone leaves our home. I sit on the sofa and yawn. Finally I get to relax. Jay comes and plonks herself next to me, equally as tired.

“Did you enjoy it?” She asks me.

“Yeah, I really did. Thanks love.” I smile at her and give her a quick peck.

“You’re not too annoyed at me inviting my sister and Harry, then?”

I lie, “No, of course not. It was lovely to see them.”

We sit there in silence, too shattered to talk. I consider going to bed, but she speaks again before I can move.

“I know you slept with my sister, Carl.”

My heart skips a beat and I struggle to find my words. “What? No I didn’t. She’s a liar, you know that.” I don’t sound at all convincing.

“It’s okay, Carl. Harry saw you two go home together that night but he didn’t want to tell me. But he told me three weeks ago.” I was surprised that Jay wasn’t punching me or shouting or packing her bags. She was surprisingly calm for a woman who had just discovered that her husband had had an affair with her sister.

“I… I… I’m going to fucking kill that man!” I growl, getting to my feet.

“Wow.” Jay says, still unbelievably calm.

“Wow?” I wonder.

“Well, if you’re going to kill him for that, what are you going to do when I tell you that I slept with him.”

“You… You what?! When!?”

“Oh… about an hour ago when you were talking to the group of people you despise. I hope you had fun.” She stands up and walks to the bedroom. I stand silently, bewildered and shocked as she walks past me with a suitcase and opens the front door.

And there, waiting for her in the front garden, is Harry.

“Surprise!” He shouts. That smug grin is the last thing I see before the door slams shut.

Surprise!

Hangover.

The room’s in a spin,
My memory’s a blur,
I went out last night,
But what did occur?

The first drink I had
Was a bottle of lager,
Then we played Ring of Fire
To begin our drunk saga.

A shot of tequila
With lemon and salt,
Moved on to white wine,
Liver under assault.

Disaronno and coke,
A quick cigarette,
Before downing a pint
Of what, I forget.

Welcomed to the club
By a jug of cocktail,
A Sambuca shot
Caused my vision to fail.

I was handed a drink
Which was luminous blue,
With a hint of regret
I ran to the loo.

Then back to the bar
For some quick Aftershocks,
Jäger bombs and a Sourz
To knock off our socks.

Here, my memory fails
But I know I drank more,
Bruises all down my side,
Must’ve dropped to the floor.

I woke up in my bed,
That’s always a relief,
Pneumatic drill in my head,
Beer residue on my teeth.

How much did I drink?
I have no idea.
When I check my bank balance
I’ll be shaking with fear.

But a night out is worth
All this pain and the debt,
Because I’m only young once
And I’ll have no regrets.

Hangover.

School: A poem

Adults say school was the time of their lives

They forget all the worries and troubles and strifes:

Teachers who told them they’d never succeed

And the classmates who constantly mocked, scorned, and teased.

 

The life that you led was shrouded in fear

Of bullies who beat you whisp’ring threats in your ear.

Intimidation bred pain and upset

Angry faces are those that you never forget.

 

Friendships were forged only lasting a while

Because when school is over new friends make you smile.

You look back with fondness, forget the bad

Remembering the jokes and the fun that you had.

 

School is a challenge but also a game

If you win then your life will never be the same.

So enjoy the days of learning new things

Relish not knowing what each different day brings.

 

When you get older you will miss all the madness

And regret is what truly causes us sadness.

School: A poem